Day 10: Being Paper Pregnant

Today is Mother’s Day, my first official Mother’s Day. Only when people wished me a “Happy first Mother’s Day” today, I didn’t quite agree with their statement. I was a mom last year. I was Kai’s mom last year, only he was still in China. I felt every bit as connected to him last year, only knowing him through photos, as I feel to him today. I am his mama now, I was his mama then.

I guess it’s a bit confusing for people to understand that my connection to Kai, my being his mother, began far before he was ever placed in my arms. I knew that Kai was my son from the moment I saw his little video. My heart loved him just as much when he was in China as it does now. I obviously know him more now and am able to fall in love with little things that he says to me and all of the hugs and kisses that he gives me, but I truly loved him just as much before I met him.

The term paper pregnant gets used a lot in the adoption community to describe someone who is just that, pregnant with paperwork. Some people use the term from the moment they click “send” on their agency applications and others don’t use it until they have been matched with a child. I’m more of the mindset of using it as soon as your little heart feels paper pregnant and I felt paper pregnant from the second I saw Kai’s face, 17 months before I ever held him.

Last year on Mother’s Day, my sister was a few weeks away from giving birth to my niece. She had a big belly and no one would have ever disputed that (even though she was still pregnant) she was already a mother. I felt the same way! I was already Kai’s mother, I just wasn’t “due” yet.

I love being able to physically celebrate Mother’s Day with Kai this year, but I’m also missing someone, our second son, Lok! I’m Lok’s mama too! I’m a mama of two. I have one sweet boy who is sitting on my lap at this very moment (making it rather difficult to type), and the other who waits for us in China. They are equally my boys and they both have their mama’s heart! So for today, I celebrate my first technical Mother’s Day and look forward to the next where I’ll hold two precious boys in my arms!

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