Thoughts from an Adoptive Dad

I know that so many women have the hurdle of “convincing” hubby that adopting is the right move for their family. And even if the husband agrees, I know that many of those wives also wonder, deep down, if their husband is truly going to love their adoptive child as their own. Let’s face it, 99% of the adoptive paperwork, fundraising efforts, travel arrangements, etc. are usually completed by the adoptive mom. That’s just the way it goes. It’s not that the adoptive fathers don’t care, it’s just that the adoptive moms usually take on the majority of the weight during the paper pregnancy. For this reason, many of the mamas seem to have a closer emotional pull towards their adoptive child than the dad does. When Kai was still in China, I never questioned my husband’s love for him, but (if truth be told) I always felt that my love for Kai was stronger. Now that Kai is home with us, I no longer feel that way. I know without a doubt that my husband loves Kai just as much as I do.

This past week our family was visited by our social worker to simultaneously update our homestudy for son #2 (Lok) and conduct our 6 month post-placement visit for son #1 (Kai). One part of our homestudy update required my husband and I to both write 1 page updates sharing how our lives have changed since the adoption of our first son. I just now opened my Mac Book to find my husband’s update pop up on my screen. I didn’t ask him, but I have to share this. I love it.

In January of 2015, my wife Alexcis and I traveled to Guangzhou, China to finally meet our son, and to bring him home.  Our time had finally come, and life as we knew it would be different forever.  The time in China was a mix of wonder and awe, mixed with a lot of challenges. Kai is a very fun and sweet boy.  He has the funnest little personality, and is an extremely affectionate child.  His personality, however was marred by the fact that his life prior to our arrival in China was not permanent, and he would be taken from all he knew and cherished.

Kai has experienced a lot of grieving after coming into our family.  It was tough for all of us to deal with, but we were well prepared for what was in store.  There was a language barrier that didn’t help the situation out in any sense, instead made things worse.  Communicating basic needs was tough for him, and expressing emotions was a far greater challenge.  Getting our point across to him also proved quite difficult. There were night terrors, screaming tantrums, and even physical attacks against us.  We were trained adequately on all of these things, but there is nothing like experiencing these things first hand. As time would pass, however, the communication became more clear, and the grieving episodes slowly decreased. There was much hardship at times, but also many moments of joy.  Our lives have been altered in more ways than one.

We know that Kai has been placed in our home and into our care for a reason.  We work hard to provide him with everything he will ever need.  He means the world to us, and  we have been so blessed to have him in our lives.  There is more work than before, but it is not work done in vain.  I know that it is a tough job, but I feel so much satisfaction in the work that we put into him, because we know that it is all done out of love. I truly enjoy being Kai’s father.  I love taking him to places, playing with him, sharing wisdom with him, and soaking in all the love he showers us with.  There has indeed been much work, but we have been compensated ten times over with all the joys he has brought us.  My life since Kai has transformed me in ways I had never imagined.

Isn’t that beautiful?! Ladies out there who are wondering if your husband’s love towards your adoptive child will be real, it will be. Ladies who have husbands who aren’t yet ready to move forward with adoption, pray and wait patiently. It took time before my husband was sure that we should grow our family through adoption too! The beauty of adoption and the way that it transforms lives is so massively impactful. I thank God every day for giving my husband and me the blessing of parenting our amazing little boy and loving him just as if he had been born to us.

BabaKai

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